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Posts Tagged ‘pelosi

NANCY PELOSI SAYS A GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN WILL KILL CHILDREN – THEN VOTES TO SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT!

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Our roving reporter, Boo Feeder, was able to communicate with a fly that was nibbling on a cheese danish in Nancy Pelosi’s office while she was on the phone with Chuck Schumer. Here is the tantalizing tale:

” No! dammit Chuck I told you not to talk to that gold bastard! How are we going to pull off putting the blame on the republicans if you go flapping your trap with ANYone on the other side? I have memo’s out to all our people at CNN, MSNBC and the networks to say it’s Trump’s fault if children die because of our shutdown. They are all in compliance if you just keep your hefty ass quiet. Got it? “

Fly flew to the window to feign indifference to what he was hearing. His wife, who is a bit slight of hearing, landed on the back of Pelosi’s chair. Lucky for her Pelosi hadn’t noticed either flying insect or the ones gnawing on scraps in her overflowing trash can. Yet.

Pelosi leaned back in her chair answering Schumer’s reponse ” I don’t effing care what I said before! And I don’t give a fly’s fart what that Mulvaney said. It’s all the same, children will effing Dee Eye Eee! That’s our talking point Chucky, stick the eff to it! What? Yes dammit I know what you said. I know what Burnout Sanders said. And I KNOW what Hillary says to do, Re-effing-sist! You got that babe? Resist is all we got. It’s our theme, it’s our time, it’s what we eat for breakfast, lunch and. Dinner? Oh, I don’t know. Yes, I know that sonofabi…” Swat! She squished fly’s beloved wife with one slap at the back of her head. ” Chucky? You hear me Chuck? Watch out for flies! Them dirty SOB’s are wired Chuck! They coming after me. All five hundred of them are in here recording this. Before you know it our little chat will be on Fox-ass News! Chelsie Walters will be telling. What? Yeah, Jesse Watters, whatever. That chump, Chuck! He loves sending in his little fly friends to listen to. NO! Really! I’m not joking. He is lord of the flies. I’m serious! Chuck? Chuck? Bastard hung up on me. Chuck? “

Fly uploaded the recording on Boo Feeder’s iPhone then flew off to what he said would be the most lovely suicide mission in the life of any musca domestica to date. He went directly into the wide open mouth of Nancy Pelosi as she was on her next call to Rachel Maddow. Just before going down the pipes, fly let loose the loudest fart he could muster. Meanwhile, Chuck Schumer was calling Dr. Ronny Johnson to give Ms. Peolosi one of those Chinese? Canadian? whatever, sanity tests.

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Written by boofeeder

January 19, 2018 at 7:01 pm

HAWAII MISSILE ALARM IS DONALD TRUMP’S FAULT! SAYS TULSI GABBARD??

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While enjoying a much needed vacation on Oprah’s dime (see note), I came upon two surfers on the beach. Much to my surprise it was, I believe, a young, popular congreswoman talking to a wiry, blond mop haired boy sitting on their boards animately talking away the sunset. At the mention of “bomb”, I tucked myself behind a palm tree to eavesdrop the conversation. And what I heard will ah-freaking-maze you!

Blond Boy yelled ” Oh snap congresswoman ma’am! I’m going to get fired for this, huh? Just when I put a iPhone 10 and a new PlayStation VR Skyrim on daddy’s card. He’s gonna go all savage on that shit. It’s so LIT! Am I getting axed miss congresswoman? Oh damn!”

Bikini Woman said “Stop calling me that! We don’t have to be gender specific anymore. Man! Woman! We are what we want to be not what society tells us to be! There is no “congresswoman” or “congressman”, we are “Congressperson” now” Calming herself down with a swig or three from the bottle of Facundo Bacardi Rum she had in her Chanel beach tote. she continued ” You, fired? No way will I let that happen to my best boy! Besides, it wasn’t your fault that alarm went off. So what if you butt dialed the “impending missile” button at the EMA? It wasn’t your fault cutie pie! Now come and give your bestie a wet one!”

BB –  Looking over at the woman some twenty year older than him, he ran his fingers through his wavy locks with anticipation. Then he pulled a cigar? and a Bic lighter out of his trunks, lit it and pulled in a twenty second drag, blew it out through a smile as wide as the ocean before them and said “Thank you! You ah blazin’! I could smash you right now bae! You are the goat!”

Every generation has their own speak so I had to look up the slang later. The first few were what I thought but “goat” had me stumped. I slapped my forehead hard when seeing Greatest Of All Time. Of course! What I suspected he really meant was “milf” but that might be “so five minutes ago” for Blondie.

BW said “C’mon Doggie! Why would anyone blame you for causing panic in the streets when we all know who did it? Donald Freaking Trump pushed that button! Put a button in front of that lunatic and he’ll pound it just to get ratings. He sent out that bomb alarm from his golf-freaking-cart in shithole Florida! You wait baby boy, that golden guffaw will hit his My Button is Bigger Than Yours button if we don’t get him out of the White House. NOW! And, speaking of big buttons, get down here and show me Yours big boy!”

As Blond Boy was undoing himself, Bikini Woman’s phone started chirping. She answered the call saying “What boy? Oh, him!. He’s Lulu’s nephew. She asked me to get him a job after he quit high school in October. Eighteen. I swear! I think. Anyway, who’s watching? Him? Naw. he’s catching waves down in Byron Bay. No worries hon. What did Pelosi say? Oh, right. I’m on it already. I’ve been saying that since my hunka hunka burning love planted his fine ass on the button. It’s Trump’s fault, that’s what we say no matter what, right? I mean really, how else we going to get Hills in the White House if we don’t keep the flames stoked against Trump. Our people will fall for Anything we tell them . I know, right! Now don’t bother me, I gotta catch me a wave. A blond one!”

Her toyboy was not up to the job though. The cigar was casting it’s drift my way and the smell was unmistakable. Completely buzzed by his big blunt, BM had left his congresshuman and fell on the beach closer to the Pacific. He had his finger in the air shouting to the moon “Trump did it! What I don’t know but he did it!” Turning back to the naked woman on the beach, he said “Right bae? Damn! You blaz…” then he drifted off and planted his face in the sand.

I left the two all alone, both passed out with the tide coming in. The thought of keeping them from being covered by the impending salt water came and went. Best to let Trump do it,

NOTE: Read previous post to see how Boo Feeder got paid

OPRAH WINFREY ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN NEAR NORTH SIDE CHICAGO!

 

Written by boofeeder

January 14, 2018 at 6:52 pm

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM NANCY PELOSI – That is if you live that long!

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I, Boo Feeder, caught up with the undisputed world champion of hate speech and forecaster of doom and gloom at the Capital Diner in Potomac, Maryland. Nancy Pelosi was seated at the booth behind me, all alone and crying in her Sprite. She took the hanky I offered her and agreed to give me a piece of her “most valuable” time until her date arrived.

FYI, despite informing the owner, Mohammed Mattu, the errant spelling of Capitol, he said “I do English! You smell it way, I smell it mine. I am English!”. Catching a burger at the diner in one of the richest zip codes in the USA proved fruitful for my reporting lately. The wealthiest one percent keep a mansion here and, just to prove that they are “one of us”, they dine at the Capital Diner where burgers and Harira are served in abundance. It was the Musso and Frank Grill of the east. The food was average at best but the chance to interview the celebrity rich was enough for me to stomach a tofu burger.

To Ms. Pelosi I asked her opinion on the recently signed tax cuts bill and got a mouthful. In short, this was her answer:

“Taxes are for the poor! You cut taxes and it’s worser that cutting the backs of slaves back when the Republicans ruled America! You check that out Boo boy. It was those nasty, bigoted, slave owning Republicans that whipped all the poor blackies in the last century. My Gawwd boy! Now they’re cutting taxes on those poor people. No taxes means no more welfare, no more medicaid or medicare, no more money for schools. No more money for basketballs for pity sake! Them and ALL of us are going to die ’cause of what the golden haired, women hating, Jew hating, black hating bastard is doing to this country! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! Merry Effing Christmas if you live that long!” At that she reached in her pocketbook, pulled out a miniature bottle and emptied it into her drink. Once gulping down the rest of her Sprite, Nancy Pelosi screamed again the death to Americans rant to which the diner’s owner applauded vigorously.

I explained to her that, one:  it was the Democrats two centuries ago that enslaved the peoples from Africa and it took Republicans to end slavery and two; tax cuts will benefit the middle and lower class, not hurt or kill them. Corporations will have more money to hire more people and give raises to their hard workers. Only the regulars of Potomac’s restaurants will pay more taxes and that hurts so bad that the likes of Nancy Pelosi will shout out lies to their followers and three; I never got to the third fact that health care for the poor will not be affected in any fashion because of what Pelosi did next. The thought of reminding her that it was the Democrats that founded the KKK but knew that was a fruitless waste of words. Democrats today never acknowledge their parties history as if their criminal bigotry that planted burning crosses and lynchings never existed. The thought that a hand pointing one finger at someone else has four fingers pointing back at the accuser came to me but was quickly dismissed. Why waste energy and words on a drunken women half sitting, half laying in a diner’s booth? 

When her date, Chuck Schumer, came through the glass door that was adorned with snow glitter decorations of a wreath, a menorah and the cover of the Koran, Ms. Pelosi cried out “CHUCKIE! Save me Chuck, save me! This guy here, this Boob Eater jerk is trying to kill me! He’s telling the whole crowd here that the tax cuts bill is GOOD for God and Allah’s  sake!” Being sure she was PC for everyone in the diner, she rolled her eyes at me then said “God, Allah, the Sun or whatever you pray to, and to you that think praying is a stupid rite of the right, DON’T listen to this asshole! Tax cuts will kill us! You are all going to DIE! Chuckie, you tell them dear. Tell them the world is going to end if we don’t dump Trump. Resist, resist, RESISSSST!”

At that last “Resist”, Nancy Pelosi dropped her glass of vodka soda then fell on the floor in an attempt to pick it up. Laying in a sodden heap, she begged Chuck Schumer to help her up but instead, he walked out the door saying “Sorry Nan. I have a meeting with George in five minutes. Gotta go!”

I offered my hand to Pelosi but she was fast asleep on the white, black, green and red tiled floor. I wished her and all the patrons a merry Christmas then left to see who “George” was although I had a pretty good idea. Mohammed and most of the diners replied with a raised middle finger. Oh well, I tried.

To you, my devoted readers, I say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

FYI – if you need a break from all this political discourse, please read. A Christmas Valentine No politics, just a nice story that will touch all of us that have lost a loved one this time of year, or any other time of year.

THANK YOU!

Written by boofeeder

December 22, 2017 at 7:32 pm

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE WASHINGTON POST ON JUDGE ROY MOORE

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Our fearless reporter, Boo Feeder, found himself in the belly of the beast this morning on a hunch that The Washington Post was at it again. Boo knows the smell of a rat and that stench was about to knock him over when the door opened to the men’s room. It wasn’t lingering gas from the bowels of the newspaper that violated Feeder’s olfactory, it was the presence of the company itself squeezing its way into the tiled and teak rest room then ran into stall number thirteen. Boo took advantage of the situation to ask The Post some questions about its’ most recent slanderous goings on.

” Post? Can you tell me the source of your claims again Judge Roy Moore? How did you confirm those four decades old allegations?”

“Times? That you?” Came the bellowing voice of Post from the stall reserved for the handicapped. “Times, you SOB! Come in here asking stupid-ass questions like that. Confirm schmofirm! You’re just pissed that we got the scoop. Go back to southeast where you come from, loser!” With that a loud RiiiiiiiiP! belched out followed by a funk from the pits of hell.

Holding my nostrils tight together, I replied “No. This is not The Washington Times. I am Boo Feeder and I was just wondering how you were able to verify the stories you printed alleging Judge Roy Moore had relations with underage girls nearly forty years ago. You certainly double and triple checked facts. I’m wondering how you were able to do that when there were no police reports found to back up the stories.”

“Rachel? That you girl? Oh, sheeee-it no! You that Boo Feeder freefrickinlancer with the cat? Yeah! I know you. Dang, I thought you was a guy! Hey! That thing you wrote on Donna Brazile was damn good. Funny shit that!” This was followed by another Riiiiiiiippppppppp!

Oh good Lord, what am I doing here? To exit the sewage pit, I got right to the point. ” I am most definitely a guy, Post.  Holding my nose shut makes  me sound like Rachel Mad…” Why waste time with that? I continued with “you claimed that Judge Moore had inappropriate relations with four girls thirty eight years ago. I personally checked on those accusers and, to no surprise, one was a former employee of Hillary Clinton and the others have an unquestioned loyalty to the Democrat party. To further muddy their reputations, all four of their finances have improved drastically in the past couple months. New cars, new homes, vacations to Hawaii. It’s as if they all hit the lottery! And in a way, they did, didn’t they Post? Before you answer, I remember a story by your own Bob Woodward that laid claim that local contractors were all colluding to raise bids and to keep outsiders away. When it was learned that the Post was basing the story on one very incompetent man who was mad because he felt entitled to get the work without bidding, the Post never retracted. Nope. The Post led a grand jury on a fairy dust trail until time took away the public’s interest and millions of their dollars. That’s just one example of how the Post has printed fake news to fit their agenda. There are plenty more, dear Post!”

“Big freaking deal! So what? You know how many papers we sell when we make up the news? And advertising! General Electric, Starbucks, Democrat candidates and the list goes on! When a blockbuster headline comes knocking on the door, why lose time verifying it? You just don’t get it do you Feeler? That’s why you’ll never be a”  then a roll of toilet paper came unraveling under the stall’s door. ” Hey Rachel! Kick that back in here, will ya? Come on girl! I got to clean up this mess on me! Damn! GET WITH IT BITCH! The paper, the paper. NOW!”

“Post, why don’t you use your newspaper? There’s no difference between used toilet paper and The Post. Besides, think of all the ads you can print on your filthy ass? I’m sure Northam, Schumer, Pelosi, Clintons and Soros will be happy to cover you with dollar bills to clean up with!” I said with a sarcasm not to be proud of.

Post came storming out of stall bare assed and stinking to low hells. Grabbing for the toilet paper that I “accidentally” kicked out into the hallway, Post fell down and rolled into a throng of onlookers. They gasped in horror as their beloved media giant laid naked in its own waste. One gray haired man said “Oh boy. The old SOB might be down for the count.”

One can only hope.

Written by boofeeder

November 11, 2017 at 3:37 pm

NANCY PELOSI CALLS FOR UNITY – OR WHAT

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In an exclusive interview with our Boo Feeder, Nancy Pelosi made some interesting observations that we are still trying to unravel. Read the question and answer session to form you own opinion. She was about to enter the Washington National’s stadium to watch the 108th annual Congressional Baseball Game when Feeder caught her in the elevator.

“Mrs. Pelosi, my name is Boo Feeder. Can I ask you a few questions before the game begins?”

“Feeder? Oh why yes of course! Your name ends in a vowel right? I always feel a special connection to our Italian – American heritage! ” She said while flailing her hands inside the tight space of an elevator.

Amazed that Mrs. Pelosi thinks an “r” is a vowel, Boo Feeder smiled then took advantage of the opportunity and continued the interview with ” Mrs. Pelosi, you called for Donald Trump to be impeached on Monday then one day later after the shooting of Steve Scalise said that you pray for Trump to have a successful presidency. Which one is it ma’am?”

“Young man! Why are we not moving? I pushed that button thingy for the penthouse suite and we haven’t left the first freaking floor!” She swung her arms so hard that her right hand hit Boo Feeder in the nose causing his delicate olfactory to spill blood all over his shirt. ” Hey pie-san you’re going to get blood on my Prada purse! You dumb wop! Get me out of here!” This time it was her left hand that she slung into his eye. “And hey pretty boy. What’s your name? Guido? Guido push that god damned button again. The one that has ML on it. Mi Lacasa! My home! Get me there goom-bah!”

Seeing no point to tell her ML was for the Mezzanine Level not whatever this crazy woman who’s now given him a black eye to match his broken nose, Boo went on ” Do you agree that the hateful, violent actions on the left such as mock beheadings and assassinations have ginned up the more mentally unstable citizens like the man who set out to massacre republicans?”

The elevator stopped then Pelosi stormed out screaming ” Where’s my people? Where the hell is my goddamned aide? Antonio, where are you sweetheart?” she kept yelling to crowds of people who kept clear of a woman who would have been best served with a straight-jacket than a Prada handbag.

Feeder, running after her with one hand squeezing his nose and covering his eye with the other looked just as insane as his prey. Then, lucky for him, someone on Pelosi’s staff swept her into a corporate box where he continued the conversation.

“Mrs. Pelosi, please can you tell me whether you blame the pundits, politicians and media for dividing the USA with acts of violence and what can you do to stop the madness?”

“Here boy, use this napkin on your nose. It’s disgusting!” She handed Feeder a Kotex she’d kept in her purse in remembrance  of happier days then said “Blame? Oh no, I don’t blame my dear friends Ratchet Madcowe, Dan Crathers or Katy Griffing or anybody. We have to get it on! You know what I’m saying pie-sang? How dare they be so sanctimonkeyous! C’mon Boosh, we got’s business to take care of!” She slurred out then rolled her head backwards demanding someone walking by the opened door “Boy! Get me a damned drink! Vodka on the rocks but not the Russian kind. Leave that for Donald Trump. He drinks Russian vodka you know. I think he should..” Pelosi stopped mid sentence to stand up and run out on to the walkway screaming ” Did you hear that? Some guy on the loudspeaker said ” Sherman shot a bullet down first base line!” then screamed “GET OUTA THIS GOD FORSAKING PLACE! The freaking ass tanks are coming for us with weaponage! ”

Boo Feeder let he go, trying to interview a sober Nancy Pelosi was hard enough. Making sense of Pelosi after she’s had one or seven too many was a task only MSNBC would partake in. He went to the nearest Quick Care to have his injuries patched up then drove home breathing through his mouth and negotiating 495 with one eye, a task almost as dangerous as an interview with Nancy Pelosi.

 

Written by boofeeder

June 16, 2017 at 5:00 pm

NANCY PELOSI & HARRY REID FIND MH370 MISSING PLANE!

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True story! Nancy Pelosi (D-California), former HOR speaker and Harry Reid (D-NV) current head honcho of the US Senate, have found the missing Malaysian Boeing 777 airliner. They used their covert NSA satellites to track and discover the jumbo jet deep in the Aboriginal region of Australia where they guided it to it’s final fate. Both pilots, it is now known, conspired with Pelosi and Reid to land the plane in Australia. The reason for the hijacking was uncovered in an email and video sent by Reid to Pelosi two weeks ago. When Harry Reid was asked about it, he was flabbergasted to learn that emails and videos can actually be read or viewed after clicking on ‘Delete’.

As it happens, the plane was not taken for nefarious or terroristic means, it was stolen to sell for scrap metal! Reid wrote to Pelosi a month ago “Hey chickie, you seen what scrap iron’s selling for these days? What’s a 777 weigh? 40-90 tons? I need some ready cash to give my granddaughter to give to my lawyer to give to my parents to give back to me, convertly so U no. You in doll baby?” Pelosi said she was game for anything and if anyone asks “we’ll tell MSNBC that we don’t need to answer no dumbass questions and you know Chrissy ‘Baby Cheeks’ Matthews? he’ll fall for anything we tell him. I’m in!”

Pelosi’s publicist, Sheeza Lyer, said that her boss lady regrets the loss of lives. Theys sposed to land that dang plane, not crash land! Danged stupid pilots can’t read Englash! I..I mean Nan never did puts ‘crash’ before ‘land’ in her message. But, you know, they was Chinese and who’s going to miss a couple hundred Chinee out of the 498 kazillion on Erth? Besides that” Miss Lyer said ” them bodies can be sent to the UK for food or paper products or whatever else they use peoples carcasses for over there. It’s a win win win!” Lyer added. “Boss woman gets cash so she can pay her help (like me) under the table and we can buy stuff like you know, medical weed? and stuff. Cash in, cash out and the US economy keeps rolling along. Win win win!”

Harry Reid was unavailable for comment. His secretary, Himma Dopie, says that Sen. Reid (Democrat, Nevada) is busy at the Bunny Ranch reading ‘Emails For Dummies” and would respond in two months when Fox News  is picking on somebody else.

Written by boofeeder

March 31, 2014 at 6:25 pm

Posted in humor, politics

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