Didio’s Weblog

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Posts Tagged ‘humor

THE GATE HAS JUMPED THE SHARK WITH LETTERGATE!

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SAM_0482

March 21, 2018

Boo Feeder

Enough already! Is there no original thought in the media any longer? Every. Single. Scandal. Is attached with “gate”. Even the previous words are assigned “Period-gate” where a period is added for effect after every single word. How annoying-gate is that??! It. Is. Stupidly. Unnerving. Now there is a “Letter-gate” given to the reproach of a Vatican City priest. My Lord! Have they all been educated by the aged Bob Woodward??

I, the feeder of a big, fat, black cat named Boo, am officially begging anyone and everyone at all news outlets to boycott the use of “gate” no matter how tempting it may be. Really, how many people today even know what Watergate is or was? When asked, a thirty-something replied ” Watergate? Sure. That’s the name of a dam on the Mississippi. Or is it the Susquehanna? Anyhow, it’s a dam. Why you ask? “. So there’s that.

The roots of my hair turned from brown to gray to white to red hot in split seconds though when I was in Wally World yesterday and saw a doll display. The proverbial straw broke the back of all so-called “journalists” when I obeyed the command of the packaged plastic moppet to ” Pull My String! ” and heard this:

Girl gate, doll gate, segregate, populate the flatualate! Never gone be a hashtag, got that swag, gimme your flag! Facebook never took another look but I got news, not the blues, pull me again, don’t snooze! Listen up buttercup, if you’re four, when you’re six even seventeen you say it like you mean, when you reach to the teach, don’t wait, put it on the gate! Dog ate my homework-gate. Moms took my computer-gate. Someone stole my coat-gate. The cat did it-gate. Who, not me-gate. That’s not my mess-gate. Who got my shoes-gate. I was too born with purple hair-gate. Didn’t eat boogies-gate. Papagate! Mamagate! Turdgate! Everybody say Gate! Yeah yeah gate gate great!

Turdgate? It’s all Turdgate little girl. My first impulse was to buy up all the Dolly Rapper dolls and toss them in the big green trash bin out back but that would just be another headline for the nitwits and “Dolly Dumpster-gate” would. Most. Definitely. Break. My. Heart. Gate.

 

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Written by boofeeder

March 21, 2018 at 3:23 pm

NANCY PELOSI CALLS FOR UNITY – OR WHAT

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pelosi

In an exclusive interview with our Boo Feeder, Nancy Pelosi made some interesting observations that we are still trying to unravel. Read the question and answer session to form you own opinion. She was about to enter the Washington National’s stadium to watch the 108th annual Congressional Baseball Game when Feeder caught her in the elevator.

“Mrs. Pelosi, my name is Boo Feeder. Can I ask you a few questions before the game begins?”

“Feeder? Oh why yes of course! Your name ends in a vowel right? I always feel a special connection to our Italian – American heritage! ” She said while flailing her hands inside the tight space of an elevator.

Amazed that Mrs. Pelosi thinks an “r” is a vowel, Boo Feeder smiled then took advantage of the opportunity and continued the interview with ” Mrs. Pelosi, you called for Donald Trump to be impeached on Monday then one day later after the shooting of Steve Scalise said that you pray for Trump to have a successful presidency. Which one is it ma’am?”

“Young man! Why are we not moving? I pushed that button thingy for the penthouse suite and we haven’t left the first freaking floor!” She swung her arms so hard that her right hand hit Boo Feeder in the nose causing his delicate olfactory to spill blood all over his shirt. ” Hey pie-san you’re going to get blood on my Prada purse! You dumb wop! Get me out of here!” This time it was her left hand that she slung into his eye. “And hey pretty boy. What’s your name? Guido? Guido push that god damned button again. The one that has ML on it. Mi Lacasa! My home! Get me there goom-bah!”

Seeing no point to tell her ML was for the Mezzanine Level not whatever this crazy woman who’s now given him a black eye to match his broken nose, Boo went on ” Do you agree that the hateful, violent actions on the left such as mock beheadings and assassinations have ginned up the more mentally unstable citizens like the man who set out to massacre republicans?”

The elevator stopped then Pelosi stormed out screaming ” Where’s my people? Where the hell is my goddamned aide? Antonio, where are you sweetheart?” she kept yelling to crowds of people who kept clear of a woman who would have been best served with a straight-jacket than a Prada handbag.

Feeder, running after her with one hand squeezing his nose and covering his eye with the other looked just as insane as his prey. Then, lucky for him, someone on Pelosi’s staff swept her into a corporate box where he continued the conversation.

“Mrs. Pelosi, please can you tell me whether you blame the pundits, politicians and media for dividing the USA with acts of violence and what can you do to stop the madness?”

“Here boy, use this napkin on your nose. It’s disgusting!” She handed Feeder a Kotex she’d kept in her purse in remembrance  of happier days then said “Blame? Oh no, I don’t blame my dear friends Ratchet Madcowe, Dan Crathers or Katy Griffing or anybody. We have to get it on! You know what I’m saying pie-sang? How dare they be so sanctimonkeyous! C’mon Boosh, we got’s business to take care of!” She slurred out then rolled her head backwards demanding someone walking by the opened door “Boy! Get me a damned drink! Vodka on the rocks but not the Russian kind. Leave that for Donald Trump. He drinks Russian vodka you know. I think he should..” Pelosi stopped mid sentence to stand up and run out on to the walkway screaming ” Did you hear that? Some guy on the loudspeaker said ” Sherman shot a bullet down first base line!” then screamed “GET OUTA THIS GOD FORSAKING PLACE! The freaking ass tanks are coming for us with weaponage! ”

Boo Feeder let he go, trying to interview a sober Nancy Pelosi was hard enough. Making sense of Pelosi after she’s had one or seven too many was a task only MSNBC would partake in. He went to the nearest Quick Care to have his injuries patched up then drove home breathing through his mouth and negotiating 495 with one eye, a task almost as dangerous as an interview with Nancy Pelosi.

 

Written by boofeeder

June 16, 2017 at 5:00 pm

BOB BECKEL TAKES AIM AT DONALD TRUMP

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After an extended vacation our fearless reporter, Boo Feeder,  has returned for your pleasure.  Mr. Feeder played gumshoe to track Bob Beckel to an after hours bar on 14th Street in southeast DC.  Carefully memorizing the secret knock on the oak paneled door, Boo Feeder rapped three times, kicked twice then hummed the tune of ‘One For My Baby’ into the six inch sliding steel hatch. He was let in and, luckily for him, the patrons were too intoxicated to notice or care who the guy with an Orioles tee-shirt tucked into a pair of slightly too large pair of jeans. Feeder was happy to have lost a few pounds these past few months but not nearly as elated to have caught Bob Beckel alone with his cheeks falling over the sides of a barstool. He sat next to the come-back liberal on Fox News and placed his phone between them to record the conversation.


Beckel began with”Orioles huh? They blew it in the World Series last years. Why the hell you thank they’ll win this year? THEY”RE DONE I tell youse! Hey slim, what’s that chatterbox doing on the bar?” 

“It’s my cellphone Mr. Beckel. I’d like to have our one-on-one recorded if that’s okay. Okay?”

“What the hell do I care asshole? Orioles suck!” Beckel said after slamming a bottle of soda on the bar.

“O’s haven’t been to the big show since 1983 when they beat Philly in five but that’s not what I want to talk to you about. Glad to see you’re drinking Coke not Coor’s but why here in a bar? Isn’t it dangerous for an alcoholic to sit at a bar at 3:30 in the morning?”

“None of your effing buzzniss buster. What you here for? Trump put you up to this? That freakin’ lying con man bazztert.” Beck was shouting now. With both fists pounded on the bar he continued “FREAKING LYINGS DRUMP! His goldamn fault that I’m sherry-er. Sum uva BRITCH flat I’m high against.” One cheek followed the other to the floor leaving Bob Beckel to shout more indiscernible words into the unpolished dirty wood flooring.

“But Bob, you’re drinking Coca Cola not some Russian vodka. How can you be drunk? Why do you hate Donald Trump so much? Isn’t anger poison to your sobriety?” Boo Feeder said compassionately. Beckel was like the political equivalent to Howard Cosell; a man you loved to hate. Not like this though. His fellow babbling, incoherent, angry Democrat friends can tolerate such vitriol but Feeder is not one of them.

“Druck? I’m not a truck! So I takes few pills so onest a while. SOO FreakING SO! I don’t take Votka so there your Trump bastred. I love efferyfuggingbody cept that bitsh Thrump. Heza LIAR! What ju mean Russia? You a goddam Russkier from that muffa Republicant Troump? GET OUR HERA BAZZERT! I TOLE YOU LOVE NOT HARE!” Beckel continued the rant rolling on the floor mumbling more profanity.

Boo Feeder watched helplessly as the straight jacket was wrestled on to Bob Beckel’s dirty suit and hauled off to St. Elizabeth’s Hospital. His suspenders were taken off for safety sake and tossed in the direction of Feeeder. He picked them up to hang them in his office where they are today. A memorial to the man that once was and is now in need of much prayer.

May God help Bob Beckel and all the other Trump haters that are so filled with anger that they defy the very principles they vie for.

 

Written by boofeeder

March 15, 2017 at 5:31 pm

If Dogs Were Dicks

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Who doesn’t wonder how names were made? I certainly do. Why is a tree a tree and not a thumb? Or a lake not a rock? How about dick instead of a dog? If a cat is a pussy why can’t a dog be a dick? Think of all the ways we could turn a phrase:

  1. A dick is a man’s best friend.
  2. My dick loves to stick his head out the window.
  3. It’s a three dick night.
  4. Dang dick pissed on the carpet!
  5. Yes, my dick is housebroken.
  6. Your dick is SO cute!
  7. Oh Boy! The Westminster Dick Show is on TV!
  8. Taking my dick for a walk in the park.
  9. My dick has fleas. He needs a dick collar.
  10. If I put a GPS tracker on my dick, it’ll never get lost.
  11. Excuse me. Have you seen my dick?
  12. My dick loves his balls.
  13. Down dick!
  14. My dick and pussy get along quite well.
  15. Good dick!
  16. Has your dick had its’ shots?
  17. Your dick has beautiful fur.
  18. Most dicks have a wild streak in them.
  19. A pack of dicks.
  20. Please make your dick stop humping me!

And so on! If you have any more, send them along. Right now my dick needs to got out. Bye!

Written by boofeeder

February 3, 2012 at 1:15 pm

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The Obama Recession Has Taught Me A Few Lessons

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Didio's Weblog

This was written four years ago but is just as true today as it was then:

In the past three years since our supreme leader took over the economy I have learned some valuable lessons. Here are just a few:

  1. The cheaper the coffee, the faster the trip to the toilet.
  2. Cheap gas at off brand stations has enough water content to freeze my gas tank.
  3. Even stray cats and wild opossums won’t eat generic pet food.
  4. Drifting is stupid.
  5. I don’t miss HBO or Showtime at all.
  6. Generic razor blades can kill you
  7. Long hair is back in style. Or not. Doesn’t matter because I can’t afford to get it cut anyway.
  8. Cats, dogs and parrots eat too dang much.
  9. Pasta is better than dog food.
  10. Cheap, generic pasta is NOT better than dog food.
  11. I can walk to the convenience store without having a heart attack.
  12. Good Will…

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Written by boofeeder

January 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm