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A Night At The AA Meeting With A Fat Man And A Sh**hole

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via A Night At The AA Meeting With A Fat Man And A Sh**hole

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Written by boofeeder

January 13, 2018 at 2:00 am

Posted in Uncategorized

BUT FOR A PIECE OF PAPER ALL ILLEGAL ALIENS ARE AMERICAN CITIZENS, SO SAYS STENY HOYER

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In an incredible public display of President Trump’s cognitive art of the deal meeting in the White House cabinet room, Senator Steny Hoyer ( D-Md.) announced that but for a piece of paper all illegal aliens are Americans. Some six or seven hours after that statement, Boo Feeder found Hoyer in a bar in Annapolis, Maryland. Once Feeder determined that senator Hoyer had been sufficiently liberated by liquor he asked for this interview:

I slid next to the man in his dedicated private booth at the Sailor Sam Suds Inn and Pub in Annapolis and said “Mr. Hoyer, my name is Boo Feeder and would you please expound on your remark to Donald Trump that people like Garcia Zarate are Americans except for a piece of paper?

” Who the hell are you coming in my safe place? Bob Fido? Boob Eater? Get the hell out of here! What are you, some kind of deplorable? Melinda! Get this bastard out of here!” Hoyer was clearly one drink away from rehab but he did calm down when I explained that I was a Democrat and simply wanted to clarify his intelligence to the American people on my blog site. ( Hey, if CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC and  MSNBC can lie their way to more advertising dollars, so can I. ) With that, Steny Hoyer granted me a few minutes of his precious time.

” Oh, sorry Mr. Feeder. I thought you were some Fox News intern looking to make an idiot of a liberal minded, Very important man. Like that Jess Walters guy. Scumbag! What, what;s the question?” he said while throwing back a shot of Yamazaki then calling for Melinda to “Fuggit Mel, bring me the whole damn bottle” The barkeep reminded the whip that the bottle has a price tag of $140,000 but Hoyer rebuffed her with ” So what cutie pie? You know I can afford a hundred of them. And more! Bring it on! How ’bout you Fido? Wanna shot?”

I corrected the now slumbering senator that I am not a Jesse Watters wannabe and that my name is not Fido and no thanks to the whiskey that rivals the price of solid gold. To evoke a more pointed answer I asked ” how about Zarate, is he an American citizen?

” Karate? Hell yezz! If you have a black belt that’s as good as that stupid citizenship paper. You want to be an American, karate master or whatever, you are what you are. No cheap piece of paper needed!” Thank goodness the man has a chauffeur driven limousine waiting at the docks. At least he has enough sense not to drive after doing unlimited shots of fifty year old whiskey.

Needling the house whip, I got in one final dig. ” So Steny, did I tell you that I am a surgeon as well as a CPA and have a doctorate in journalism? No, I don’t have a nasty, funky old hunk of paper for any of those professions but so what? I want to be all of those things so there, voila! I can do your taxes while performing a lobotomy on you then write a best seller on your lofty life! Paper, who needs it?!”

Under the booth the good senator was snoring or sobbing, I couldn’t tell. His $140,000.00 bottle of whiskey had fallen over and was spilling its gold all over Hoyer’s diamond studded Tom Ford shoes and soaking his sleeves. I hoped, no, prayed, the Cle De Cartier watch o his wrist was waterproof.

Outside, I told his driver to be careful taking his boss home, that his flipping like a fish might catch the eye of an Anne Arundel County cop and pull his driver’s license for transporting a disorderly democrat. To that, Garcia Zarate  who was recently acquitted for the murder of Kate Steinle then found employment with Steny Hoyer said ” License? Ha! My boss says I don’t need no dumbass papers! Can’t take what I don’t got, hombre!”

Hoyer came staggering out of the bar then walked directly into the cold waters of Spa Creek. I was going to pull him out but, darn it, I don’t have a Lifesaver paper certificate. Lucky for him, Melinda dove in to pull Steny out. Holding him up, both drenched with icy water, she yelled ” Now Mister Hoyer, this is the LAST time I’m saving you! Now go get some paper and dry off!”

Written by boofeeder

January 10, 2018 at 6:55 pm

OPRAH WINFREY ANNOUNCES RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN NEAR NORTH SIDE CHICAGO!

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After Boo Feeder watched Michael Wolff being led off in handcuffs by the the NYPD, he took the Greyhound bus to Chicago to verify what was slithering on the grapevine. Amazingly, he found Oprah Winfrey near a Near North Side bakery. She had on a wool knit cap topped with a red, black and green fluorescent ball and matching wrap-around sunglasses. Her pantsuit was made of an “Equality, Empathy, Election!” banner that barely covered her Neiman Marcus boots. It was a strange attempt at incognito but it worked for her. Customers at the glass counters gave the spectacle a quick glance then went about ordering their croissants, injera, mandazi and creamy donuts. Only Boo Feeder watched the mega mogul squeeze past the cashier to enter the back room. This is where our fearless fanatic fact finder filed the following:

 The cashier was quick to grab my last twenty to let me in the private tables beyond the steel doors. I introduced myself to the one and only Oprah Oh-My-God Winfrey and almost lost my Balfour Cream donut when she invited me to a sit down.

Getting down to the interview before she tossed me out of the purple draped room, I asked her if her friends at the Golden Globes were on to something big. “Miss Winfrey, are you tossing your, uh, cap into the ring for the 2020 election?”

“Oh you do have your nerve Mr. Feeble! My speech was meant to empower the little people, to give hope to women all over the world, to get the party of rich, old white men a kick in the pants, so to speak. It’s time for a WOMAN to shine something more than the silver candlesticks in the Oval Office!”

I could barely hold my tongue at the thought of Monica Lewinsky shining something entirely different in that once sacred room. With bitten lips, I asked her again if she was going to run for president.

” Hell to the hell yeah!” She said in her best southern drawl. Back to her Baltimore accent where she first cut her teeth in national recognition, she added “Years ago, I watched a gold ring zwirl down a porzlain zinc in Roland Park, I said to myzelf  Oprah, you will never go down a zinc hon!” Switching to her Chicago speak she finished “Dhere you go Bah! I am gang to do baddle wit Trump in 2020!” Back to southern she said ” And there you go you old white cracker! I AM, I WILL, be Madam Mister President of this heah US of effing A in two short yeahs!” With that she dipped two mandazi’s in a luscious looking cream sauce and stuffed them in her eager mouth.

“Madam? Mister?, what does that mean and who will be your partner?  First Lady Gayle or First Husband Stedman?” Knowing I was crossing a line, I stood up expecting the rumored violent tendencies to let loose, a secret that Oprah has well preserved all these years.

Her reaction was as expected. A fork, spoon and butter knife, in that order, came spinning my way with “Take that you Woodward wannabe! Who I choose to carry my Brunello Cuncinelli luggage into the soon to be EX white house is none of your concern. That building that was built off the sweat of BLACK slaves will be repainted and renamed the RAINBOW HOUSE! Take THAT Bob-ass Feeble-ass White-ass BOY!”

The spoon, believe it or not, was the most painful implement of terror to remove. The fork and knife slid out of my chest quite easily albeit a bloody circus, the pain did not arrive until much later. The spoon that lodged its concaved end into my eye socket hurt like the hell it was thrown with. I covered myself with the rainbow tablecloth to make my final observation. “Miss Winfield” turning the name game back on her, “don’t you think you are setting a bad example to men, girls and women by not marrying this Steedleman guy? I mean you are either engaging in premarital intimacy or a decades long fear of commitment. How can the American people believe you will commit to Their concerns unless, that is, if it is Gayla Girl that you are sharing your bedroom with. In that case it’s a years long lie that you have protected by throwing utensils and God knows what. This is not the first time that”

Despite the bobbing and weaving while spitting out those last few lines, and a lot of blood, she was able to fill my mouth with her silver dish. Sideways yet, to use the vernacular of my Pennsylvania adopted dialect where “yet” is put at the end of every statement yet.

A rather obese man came in to the horror of knives. forks, spoons, dishes, tablecloths and, of course, my blood staining them all. He said “Miss Oprah! Not again! Please mister, don’t you DARE say a word” He took a handful of bills from Oprah Winfrey to buy my silence. I’d like to say that there was no amount to keep this secret but I’m not that noble, sorry. Besides, the twenty dollar bill that got me past the gates of hell was the last of my money. To maintain a sliver of self respect I’ve withheld about half of the shenanigans except for this one additional small tidbit: When the baker offered her a box the size of refrigerator, Oprah hollered ” I LOVE BREAD!” Yet.

Written by boofeeder

January 9, 2018 at 7:30 pm

FIRE AND FURY AUTHOR MICHAEL WOLFF GIVES EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!

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Boo Feeder was relentless in getting this exclusive interview with Michael Wolff, author of ‘Fire and Fury’, a tell all on what pundit’s claim as proof positive that Donald Trump is fit for a long stay at Bellevue Mental Hospital, not for one more day in the White House. Feeder and Wolff met  in New York City.

Here at a little known watering hole in Hell’s Kitchen, I, Boo Feeder, caught up with Michael Wolff as he was sitting alone in a dark, corner booth. He accepted my offer of a bourbon on the rocks with a lippy smile and  a loose tongue.  He answered the first question before I even asked it.

“Yes! Everything in that book is true! I wrote it as I saw it and that’s the whole truth, nothing but the truth counselor!” 

“Mr. Wolff, I’m not an attorney. Just a poor reporter trying to get to the truth on your book and on what is being reported in the media. Did Steve Bannon actually tell you that Donald Trump Jr. is a traitor and his former boss is crazy as a bedbug?”

“Listen up Mr. Bernstein, what is truth? Is truth what we believe or what we know? What is your truth may not be my truth. There’s too much peoples talking about T-R-U-T-H! What I write is how it is for ME! Who knows”

At that I cut him off. This was not a philosophical ping pong match. I reworded the question with “fact” rather than “truth” and got his reply recorded on my old fashioned pocket tape recorder. One day I’ll be able to afford that iPhone 10 but for now my old Radio Shack recorder will have to do. You see, contrary to what the leftist handlers tell their sheep, the vast majority of conservatives are not rich white men. They are simply people that believe in personal accountability. Who don’t claim being a victim of prejudice or inequality. Who don’t take out loans then burden their parents with it who signed for them in good faith. Who don’t fraudulently take money from Medicare or Medicaid  to pay for their monthly vacations. No, we are not rich people in that sense but we are rich with our values and urgency to get the truth out, whatever that truth may be.

Wolf countered with “Facts? Why, Mr. Woodward, do facts have to be so cut and dry? What I wrote about your golden boy is close enough. It’s how I see it! Barkeep! Another round here! What you drinking Geraldo, scotch? bourbon? Vodka! I bet you drink what your Rusky friends drink, don’t ya Bobby!” With that fourth attempt at my name, Michael Wolff crumpled down on the floor with his drink. Amazingly, he didn’t spill a drop.

“Close enough?” I leaned down to say. “Close enough? Did the Yankee’s play in the World Series in 2017?” He shook his head. “No. There is no such thing as “close enough” in sports or politics Wolff. The Dodgers and Astro’s don’t share the title of World Champion. The Astro’s won. The Patriot’s won the Super Bowl. It was close but only the Pat’s are champions. And, Mr. Wolf, Donald Trump won the presidency and it wasn’t anywhere near close!” Oh boy, this guy was getting under my skin Big time. That’s when I decided to tell him thanks for talking to me and got up to leave.

“Yo Wallace! You din’t drink your drunk! Whaz matter? You like to hit the bongo wit me Bunko? C;mon! I gots the goo stuff in my car. In my cab I mean. My car. My cab. Only one letter off. Close enough!”

At that public display of drunken nonsense, I called the cows.

Cows. Cops. Close enough! 

 

Written by boofeeder

January 8, 2018 at 8:36 pm

Hillary Clinton’s New Year’s Resolution List Found Amongst The Ashes!

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Boo Feeder spent a few hours in Chappaqua New York shortly after the report of a fire on the Clinton’s compound. Disguised as a Secret Service agent with a coiled wire sticking in his ear, Feeder rummaged through the rubble looking for …. well anything he could find of importance. Amidst the charcoaled laptops, computers and bleached out mother boards, Boo found a crumpled piece of GoldenStore stationary. At $14,000 for one sheet of paper the opulence was stifling considered it was her “charity” that most probably paid for it in 100’s of reams at a time. How the paper escaped the fire was almost as much a mystery as what she had jotted down on it.

Without further ado, this is what our fearless inmate at Westchester County jail managed to slip by the correction’s officer in our first, and last, visit to him. FYI – if you’re thinking about putting a coiled plastic coated wire in your ear to be a federal agent snooping the site of a former president, Do Not Do It! It’s a Really Bad idea! Your help with bail money would be greatly appreciated.

What the hell I’m going to do in 2018!

  • Get a new iPhone, give Humma my old one after its wiped with our beach towel
  • Lose 200 pounds
  • Ask George to fund the impeach orange ass campaign
  • Make Humma Humma learn mexicano languish
  • Tell Nancy to put me in the WH or I’ll tell MSNBC all about her and Chucky baby
  • Lose another 200 lbs
  • If Nancy dont do what I command, tell Humma baby to get the ball rolling
  • Shut down Vanity Ass Fair and SNL if they don’t get their shit together
  • Get it together! Humma Humma Humma HumA!!!
  • Poll for first lesbian couple in the white house. If neg, tell Huma to find me another fake ass husband or make up another rant on how womens are being dissed.
  • Go to Michigan this time!
  • Lose 200 pounds or whatever that Bookie guy weighs – hey that’s 3 B’s going down! Bingo baby!

The remaining shreds of the paper had three X’d out B’s, for whatever that means. Bill, Bernie and Booker??? One can only guess how the mind of a madman woman works. 

While you’re pondering that, I’m going back to Westchester County jail to check on our friend. Poor Boo does not look good in orange!

Written by boofeeder

January 5, 2018 at 1:34 am

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM NANCY PELOSI – That is if you live that long!

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I, Boo Feeder, caught up with the undisputed world champion of hate speech and forecaster of doom and gloom at the Capital Diner in Potomac, Maryland. Nancy Pelosi was seated at the booth behind me, all alone and crying in her Sprite. She took the hanky I offered her and agreed to give me a piece of her “most valuable” time until her date arrived.

FYI, despite informing the owner, Mohammed Mattu, the errant spelling of Capitol, he said “I do English! You smell it way, I smell it mine. I am English!”. Catching a burger at the diner in one of the richest zip codes in the USA proved fruitful for my reporting lately. The wealthiest one percent keep a mansion here and, just to prove that they are “one of us”, they dine at the Capital Diner where burgers and Harira are served in abundance. It was the Musso and Frank Grill of the east. The food was average at best but the chance to interview the celebrity rich was enough for me to stomach a tofu burger.

To Ms. Pelosi I asked her opinion on the recently signed tax cuts bill and got a mouthful. In short, this was her answer:

“Taxes are for the poor! You cut taxes and it’s worser that cutting the backs of slaves back when the Republicans ruled America! You check that out Boo boy. It was those nasty, bigoted, slave owning Republicans that whipped all the poor blackies in the last century. My Gawwd boy! Now they’re cutting taxes on those poor people. No taxes means no more welfare, no more medicaid or medicare, no more money for schools. No more money for basketballs for pity sake! Them and ALL of us are going to die ’cause of what the golden haired, women hating, Jew hating, black hating bastard is doing to this country! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! Merry Effing Christmas if you live that long!” At that she reached in her pocketbook, pulled out a miniature bottle and emptied it into her drink. Once gulping down the rest of her Sprite, Nancy Pelosi screamed again the death to Americans rant to which the diner’s owner applauded vigorously.

I explained to her that, one:  it was the Democrats two centuries ago that enslaved the peoples from Africa and it took Republicans to end slavery and two; tax cuts will benefit the middle and lower class, not hurt or kill them. Corporations will have more money to hire more people and give raises to their hard workers. Only the regulars of Potomac’s restaurants will pay more taxes and that hurts so bad that the likes of Nancy Pelosi will shout out lies to their followers and three; I never got to the third fact that health care for the poor will not be affected in any fashion because of what Pelosi did next. The thought of reminding her that it was the Democrats that founded the KKK but knew that was a fruitless waste of words. Democrats today never acknowledge their parties history as if their criminal bigotry that planted burning crosses and lynchings never existed. The thought that a hand pointing one finger at someone else has four fingers pointing back at the accuser came to me but was quickly dismissed. Why waste energy and words on a drunken women half sitting, half laying in a diner’s booth? 

When her date, Chuck Schumer, came through the glass door that was adorned with snow glitter decorations of a wreath, a menorah and the cover of the Koran, Ms. Pelosi cried out “CHUCKIE! Save me Chuck, save me! This guy here, this Boob Eater jerk is trying to kill me! He’s telling the whole crowd here that the tax cuts bill is GOOD for God and Allah’s  sake!” Being sure she was PC for everyone in the diner, she rolled her eyes at me then said “God, Allah, the Sun or whatever you pray to, and to you that think praying is a stupid rite of the right, DON’T listen to this asshole! Tax cuts will kill us! You are all going to DIE! Chuckie, you tell them dear. Tell them the world is going to end if we don’t dump Trump. Resist, resist, RESISSSST!”

At that last “Resist”, Nancy Pelosi dropped her glass of vodka soda then fell on the floor in an attempt to pick it up. Laying in a sodden heap, she begged Chuck Schumer to help her up but instead, he walked out the door saying “Sorry Nan. I have a meeting with George in five minutes. Gotta go!”

I offered my hand to Pelosi but she was fast asleep on the white, black, green and red tiled floor. I wished her and all the patrons a merry Christmas then left to see who “George” was although I had a pretty good idea. Mohammed and most of the diners replied with a raised middle finger. Oh well, I tried.

To you, my devoted readers, I say Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

FYI – if you need a break from all this political discourse, please read. A Christmas Valentine No politics, just a nice story that will touch all of us that have lost a loved one this time of year, or any other time of year.

THANK YOU!

Written by boofeeder

December 22, 2017 at 7:32 pm

PRESIDENT TRUMP TO BE IMPEACHED!! ALTBTL

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Story Submitted by Boo Feeder, Dec. 5, 2017

 

My plasma began to boil. Wafts of vile hatred simmered and smoked throughout the room. The putrid odor of unadulterated anger, hypocrisy and bigotry stole the oxygen from the air making life an impossible illusion. I had to get out before my head exploded. Or, easier yet, I had to switch the channel. MSNBC and their mob of maniacs had gone over the top months ago. They have infected the media’s sewer system and my plasma TV with such outrageous lies that I have no choice but to sack my humorous banter for a few minutes to tell the truth. So help me God.

“President Trump to be impeached!” was being reported as fact after an ABC reporter declared that Michael Flynn was going to flip to confirm Trump’s collusion with Russia. Only after Joy Behar, Rachael Maddow and their corrupt cronies danced with delight over the news did ABC finally admit it was all a lie. ALTBTL. Another Lie Told By The Left.

Facts by fantasy has so impugned honest journalism that I must do my part to deliver reality to those that haven’t the ability to decipher fact from fiction or apply common sense to every day situations.

“The tax cuts will cut off spending on cancer treatment”. Believe it or not, there are people that actually believe that to be true. They believe it because their manipulators tell them so but, of course, that is as far from the truth as earth is from Pluto. Nobody elected to congress whether DNC or GOP is going to cut the throats of their most active constitutions, the over 50 club.

“Donald Trump hates Jews, Women and immigrants”. Really? His daughter, son-in-law and their children, Donald’s grandchildren, are, news flash,  Jewish! Do the Mika Brzezinski’s of the world think he hates them or the faith they follow? Really? And immigrants. His wife, our First Lady, is an immigrant! The controversy is over those that cross the border illegally. The vast majority, Trump agrees, are good, hard working people. It’s the criminals that come over that are at issue. If you were the parent of a child that was killed by a drunk driver that had prior victims south of the border, you might have second thoughts. Letting people in with open arms without checking their records is insane! How can anyone with any humanitarian values disagree with that? Safety, I would hope, would be at the forefront of everyone’s mind when deciding the immigration issue.

“Donald Trump and Judge Roy Moore are sexual deviants”. Words are dangerous to be sure but they are words, not physical objects. What Trump said in a locker room is disgusting but if every man that bragged to another man what he’s done with a woman was a criminal offense, there would be more jails than houses in the USA. Male braggadocio is as old as Neanderthal’s painting their imagined conquests on the walls of caves. Ain’t pretty but it’s totally harmless.

The allegations against Judge Moore are just that, allegations with no proof. In forty years not one woman complained about Moore’s behavior. Only a couple months before an election the Democrat’s deem to be on the hinge of the party’s existence did these women come crawling out of nowhere. That, per any iota of common sense, should be cause for great suspicion.

What is most upsetting to any human being who has even a hint of compassion is the total disregard for the confirmed sexual predators from the left side of the aisle. Bill Clinton had sex with a barely legal girl in the Oval Office and was caught lying about it over and over but the so-called “champions or women;s rights” in the Democrat party go silent as a rock.  Senator Al Franken’s deviant behavior is well documented with photographs yet only now is the left calling for his removal.  Polling is what drives the liberals, not morality. The majority of Americans that were polled by the DNC showed an inconsequential attitude. They didn’t care that Clinton had sex with a young girl in the oval office so the media and the Democrat party let the pervert flag fly. Today, however, there is anger over the sexual misconduct of John Conyers and Al Franken et al, so they follow the polls and demand them to resign. The hypocrisy couldn’t be more evident within the liberals of this great country but the sheep either don’t care or are too enamored by their esteemed leaders to know their own hearts.

“Trump colluded with Russia!”. That lie began with Hillary Clinton’s refusal to accept reality and has festered to every branch of the Democrat’s army of manipulators. There is hardly an hour on CNN, NBC or MSNBC that their hosts don’t follow the puppet masters that give them talking points to insist Trump and Putin fixed the election. Their damning rhetoric is costing Americans millions of dollars via special councils that we have now learned have liberal biased investigators who have skewed reports and leaks to show collusion. The actual fact is that there was and is collusion in DC but it is in between the FBI and Obama’s Department of Justice. They are the ones that did not investigate Hillary Clinton’s emails that violated federal laws nor the possibility of a private Uranium One deal that put millions into the coffers of the Clinton Foundation that keeps ninety six cents of every dollar “donated” to cover “overhead” costs.

The list of lies and deliberate bias in the media and even in the FBI, for God’s sake, is nearly endless. But, all this talk without one single laugh line is exhausting! I, your devoted Boo Feeder, will be back soon with a Much lighter take on the events that shape our lives.

Bye for now!

 

 

Written by boofeeder

December 6, 2017 at 12:29 am