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Application To MSNBC For A TV Host Job

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Boofeeder recently applied to MSNBC for the host position vacated by Corrine Brown ( D-Fla) who was to be filling in for Rev. Al Sharpton while he goes on leave for a sex reassignment operation. Whether his or not is not known at this writing. Nevertheless, ex-congresswoman Brown will be away serving time, er … visiting her constituents at Allenwood Federal Prison for the next dozen or so years. The job opportunity comes at a time when Boofeeder would welcome the extra income to support his ailing cat, Boo.

Following is a copy of the application:

Name: Boofeeder

Sex ( if decided ): Male

Age ( you may use a Common Core calculator ): 64 – (12 moons x’s 2 polar bears x’s 3 icebergs ) + 3 fingers = 29 years old.

How many times can you repeat “Russia” in sixty seconds? 179

Which syllable in “impeachment” is emfasized? :  Emphasized? That would be on IM-peach-ment

How many eye rolls can you do when the name “Trump” is menshunnned?  Mentioned? As many as it takes to get the job

Are you able to shout “Trump Loves Putin!” without spitting?  Yes, maybe.

Trump is in Israel now. Give a brief example of how you would begin your report if you were there: Here we are with Trump in Israel which is only 1600 miles from Moscow. That’s less than three hours away from Russia, plenty of time to collude with Putin on how to fix more elections. Russia, Russia, Russia! IMpeach Trump! Russia, Russia. Too damn close to Russia!

Does Miladia Trump speak Russian?  Melania? Of course! ALL Trumps speak Russian. They are Russia’s best friends!

How Much Do You Hate Trump? RUSSSSSSSSIA!!!!!!!

May 22, 2017 Update:

Boofeeder was turned down for the following reasons per an email received this morning that reads in part:

Mr. Ms. or Wz.  Boofeeder, We are happy to inform you that you will not be working for us. You are clearly too enamored with Trump to fill the chair in our esteemed studio. For one, spelling is Not to be korrected. Words cannot be put in a box, they must be free to be themselves whatever that is. Also, 179 times is all you can manage to say Russia in one minute? Our hosts and guests top our minimum requirement of 225 Russias/Minute. Also, we know you are a liar! 2 polar bears times 12 moons? Really? Everyone knows there will be no more polar bears in 12 moons! Study up on Global Warming and speeding up your Russia spewing skills then get back to us. But! Be quick be cause imPEACHment will be sooner than you thing.

So much for that! Looks like Boofeeder will be selling his watch collection to pay the veterinarian.

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Written by boofeeder

May 22, 2017 at 3:58 pm

Hillary Clinton, America’s National Embarrassment Is At It Again!

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Slavery was a great embarrassment to a newly formed nation but not the only country that participated in such horrific treatment of fellow mankind. China, Greece, the Romans, Portugal, India and too many others also participated in slavery. When the Emancipation Proclamation of 1863 freed the slaves the beginnings of new hopes and freedoms dawned and we have done well to keep the chains, both literally and figuratively,  off the ankles of Americans for the past 153 years. The black scar is mostly atoned for. Until now.

As if the perpetual apologizing by our current president wasn’t enough to slip the USA down rungs on the ladder of integrity and promise, we now have a person that was not satisfied with diminishing our stature with her emails that bespoke bribery, dishonesty and criminality to now choose to belittle America with a recount on the election. Anyone that believes it’s Jill Stein initiating this act of desperate rage must also believe that the world is flat. If hacking her email was of some benefit now, it would certainly have an exchange something  like this:

Huma, get that Stein beeatch to count the goddam votes but keep my effing name out of it. You got that? Do it now Huma dear. I’ll take care of you forever just like Ive always promised. Love me, Hill

Then Huma would respond:

Hill sweety, that be done! We got word from George S that his peeps are forwarding six mil to Stein right now. Love you, Hummy

HRC would be happy dancing like Sammy Davis Jr in the movie ‘Tap’:

Hummy U are the bestest! I knew Georgie would come through. He has for all these years with Brack OeffingBama, I knew he would do the same for me. And its all bc of U Hummy. U and Me forever! Theres no way we can be hacked again by “the russians” lol right? I mean we got that bastard that leaked on us before taken care of. Right Hummy?

Quicker than Bill Clinton can get the phone number from a 16 year old girl, Huma responded:

Oh hes taken up residence in the Chesapeake Bay. 70 feet down lol. We got that new security device from oh shit I cant remember that asswipes name. You know the one. We paid him off back there in Guatemala when we went there last month to meet one of Bills “friends”. I met that guy Macafferty? and he hooked me up with this whizbang security thing. Said we could be as private as we want cause nobody’s ever going to see it but you and me. Ain’t that great honey? We can be who and what we are and nobody will know! Love, Huma

After slapping her Cuban maid for missing a spot of dust on a table, Hillary pounded the keys on her laptop so hard that the keys were popping off going here and there.

UMA! YOU DUMBSHIT! That was McAfee who swore to out me and Bill years ago for not buying his freaking security program! And you used him to keep our emails secret now?How freaking dumb are you?For the love of me Miss Dumbo! There isnt a cloth big nuff to wipe this crap off. Wait til Fox gets hold of this. AND THEY WILL! We got to clean this up rightfreakin Now. NO MORE EMAILS!

Humma read this with tears the size of Texas streaming down her cheeks. Then wrote:

But Hill Baby, I was just following orders from Bill. He said this Mac guy was square. Said he got lots of “women” from him and nobody was the wiser. I didn’t Know!Please forgive me honey. I cant live without you My Leader! Remember that?I called you that once and you said ‘and don’t you forget it sweetheart!’ then we made love all night. Remember? You are my leader, my number one, my life! Forgive me??

Hillary spat at the laptop with this:

Who the hell are you? Who is hacking into my emails? Damn Russians! Huma who? Never heard of you! Anyone else reading this know this: I DID NOT WRITE ANYTHING ON THIS EMAIL. I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN, HUMA!

MSNBC, CNN, CBS, NBC and ABC all made excuses for the outrageous exchanges. They blamed it on her hard working long days and the travel. Oh the travel! That taxes all of us right? Who can travel to five states in one day with tens of thousands of supporters cheering you on? Well, maybe Donal Trump but he’s not human. Hillary IS human and broke under the pressure like you would.

And that was the last we heard from the leftist media and the last communication from HRC. The media fell under their own weight because their listeners like to rant and rave but they don’t spend money on their sponsors so they left for more a balanced venue. One where customers actually bought their products. “Hill Baby” was last seen under a waterfall with a brunette but the splashing was so rough that the other woman could not be identified. And Bill? He has taken up residence on a Philippine island and refuses to return to the USA.

Ain’t life grand?!

Written by boofeeder

November 29, 2016 at 2:01 am

BARACK OBAMA PLAYS GOLF WITH RUSH LIMBAUGH’S BALLS!

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rushball

Shortly after feinting sorrow over the horrendous murder of an American journalist, our fearless reporter went undercover as Barack Obama’s caddy in a Martha’s Vineyard private golf course. He had only a few minutes to disguise himself before President Obama frolicked from a makeshift podium to the first tee but, to our delight, he pulled it off. Here is Boofeeder’s own John Q. Public’s report:

At hole number one, Mr. Obama twisted and bent to the rapping of N.W.A.. Moments after “Damn, that shit was dope”, Obama threw a fist in the air then turned to me to say ” Ah, boy! Ah, toss me one my, ah, balls. Feeling dope today! Give me Rush Limbaugh’s ball out of the sac. C’mon boy! It’s going to be a good damn day!”

I reached in the side pocket of his golf bag that was decorated with a profile of Obama at the Arc De Triomphe and a presidential seal below his shoulders. There were dozens of balls with photo’s printed on them. Glenn Beck, John Boehner, Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly slipped through my hands before I found Rush’s face.

“Damn boy! Give me that Limbaugh ball toot freakin sweet! I’m gonna smack the snot out of that cracker! Ah, you going to have to pick up the pace boy. I’ll be lucky to get in eighteen before some knucklehead interrupts me with another damn news piece I don’t give a rat’s ass about. Boy! I said now!” He demanded.

I handed him the ball and a request ” Mr. Obama? I respectfully ask that you not refer to me as ‘boy’. I’m a man. Served in Iraq and Afghanistan and now a police officer in Boston. Being your caddy today was an honor I proudly volunteered for and graciously accepted. I am not a ‘boy’. My name is John.” Mixing in fact with fiction made me feel like a politician but as they say ‘when in Rome…’.

“Ahh. You think ‘boy’ is offensive? Listen here boy, it’s only degrading when a white honky calls you that. But, ah, from one black man to another, ‘boy’ is a ‘nom de noir’. Nom de Noir! Just made that up, boy! You like…” As Obama was slapping himself on the back while bending over to put Limbaugh’s ball on the tee, his Blackberry jingled to an old gansta rap rhyme by Ice-T.

“Ah, yessir. Yessir. I know that sir. But..” he said in a lower voice as he kicked Limbaugh off the perch then continued ” Sir? Eric said it was okay. He said he got it from you that I should keep it cool and play golf today. Oh, you didn’t? What’s that George? Ah, yeah. I know. Yep, I did call him ‘Jim’ not James, but that’s what Eric…yessir. Good bye Mr. Soros. I’ll clean it up right after this vacation. Bye”. With that Obama teed up the ball with Rush Limbaugh facing directly at the club head and gave it a hard whack. “Take that El Honky!” he shouted.

The ball flew out about one hundred yards then took a nasty slice to the left and splashed into a creek. We got into the golf cart personalized with the presidential seal painted on the front, back and roof. I drove up to where the ball went out of bounds but Obama told me to move on up another fifty yards. He demanded another Rush ball and, after two mishits, landed the golf ball into a sand trap bordering the perfectly manicured green. The president walked past the trap and ordered me to toss him another ball “Ah, let’s have Nancy Pelosi boy. And, ah, hand me that putter with the rubber front. Can’t hurt Nancy! Always use a rubber when you spanking a woman like that, boy! Yep, put her lips on my balls, I did. Used one of those photo engraving machines in my spare time. You know, ah, when the folks in the cracker house get busy with writing talking points for me and my minions. Chris Matthews and all them at MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS all get told what to say so what else am I to, ah, do? I asked George if it was okay if I took up a hobby and he said ‘Balack, why don’t you go in the basement and play with your balls?’ And so I did! Started out pasting pictures on my balls then Michelle said ‘Brack! Get with it man. There’s a machine for stamping your balls. Use it or I’ll stamp on your balls myself!  Josh will bring one down to you. You stay put Brack. When George says it’s okay, I’ll come get you and your balls my damn self. You got that?’

The president laughed at the innuendo’s then tapped Nancy Pelosi on her inflated lips. The ball came up short of the hole but Obama picked it up and said to me “Ah, I’ll take a three on that boy. Birdied the first hole! That’s the way to start a round! Told you, boy, it was going to be a glorious day for me!”

Again, I couldn’t keep my big mouth shut and told him that there’s no way I could write down a ‘3’ on the scorecard that was printed with Barack Obama’s image and titled “Hope, Change, Fairways and Greens”. In reality it took him no less than ten strokes to get his balls in the hole. “Sir, one in the creek, two out, hitting three then swinging and missing twice before bouncing it in the trap, that’s six. You skipped the sand bunker to place a Pelosi ball five feet from the hole, that’s seven, eight. Then missed the putt and picked it up declaring a ‘gimme’, that’s nine, ten strokes on a par four. And you say to give you a three? No sir. In the name of integrity for the game, I can’t do that. Sir. And sir? My name is John, not Boy.”

“Boy! I told you that it’s only bigoted to call a black man ‘boy’ when it’s an albino bacon bits belegana saying it! Damn, boy, you know I am the POTUS, right? I can do whatever the hell I want to do. Rules, regulations, laws? That’s for little people, not top dawgs like me! Shit, boy, you know who I am? Playing this game of golf? It’s like ruling the world. I put the enemy’s face on a piece of wood and smash him, or her if you’re talking about that Palin or one of them Fox News girlies, and watch it go into oblivion. That’s, ah, war, my boy. One of these days a golf course will be just like the world I was promised to rule. George and Eric say that in a perfect world, the golf course of politics will be one big ass open field kept mowed by, ah, ‘surfs’ is what they said, whatever that means, with one humungous hole the size of New York City in the center. One world, one nation! With moi at the middle of it all! Yessir boy. You stick with me and I’ll….” Obama broke off his maniacal rant to take another call.

“Where? Free Go Son? Fergie’s Son? Sheeit, Eric, you going where? For what? Oh yeah, Josh told me about that. Damned white aryan cop murdered that innocent young brother. Ah, yep, Josh called me yesterday while I was on the ninth hole ’bout that. Cost me an eagle! Had to take a bird there. I took Glenn Beck and whipped his conspiring white cheeks in the lake. Cost me an eagle Eric! Yeah, ah, you go there and tell them I’m thinking of all them black people, ah, victims. You make sure of that, okay?”

The POTUS turned up the speakers in the cart with Capone N Noreaga screaming “100 channels, turn station, operation 140, Earthquake would bring glory, Noreaga, but for short just call me Nore Catagory, point-blank end of the story”. Obama said “Now that’s dope, boy! Boy? Boy? Where you going boy?”

It was more than I could take. I wiped off the charcoal and turned my white honky-ass face back to Barack Obama and said ” From one ‘boy’ to another: Your balls are all wet!” then tossed all his golf balls in the drink and ran like a scared cat back to my SUV and drove away with three black Cadillac’s chasing me. As I rounded the turn losing the Secret Service back at the gate, I saw Barack Obama kissing what looked like the Sister Souljah ball that slipped out of my hand at the second hole.

End of report.

 

 

 

Written by boofeeder

August 22, 2014 at 2:26 pm

LOIS LERNER – OBAMA/IRS FALL GIRL – GOES TO JAIL!!

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2013-05-22T154024Z_01_WAS905_RTRIDSP_3_USA-IRS-LERNER_image_982w-300x200Lofty Lois Lerner Lands Laciniform Locks in Lock Up!

After being found in contempt, the usually uuber-silent Lois Lerner turned loquacious in lock up at the new Eric Holder Federal prison. She was swept away by Darrel Issa (R. CA) in handcuffs and put in a jailhouse transport bus this afternoon. Ms. Lerner was in tears then burst into screams of terror when she saw the bus was the Crossroads Express and driven by none other than Karl Rove. Mr. Rove caged Ms. Lerner at the back of the bus and drove her to the prison that opened just two days earlier.

The tears on Lois Lerner’s cheeks dissipated when she learned that the prison was managed under the rules written by the acting attorney general. To her delight, she found that the jail was Co-Con (men and women convicts housed together in perfect harmony), free of hispanics, blacks and gays whom Mr. Holder feels should not be humiliated by  racist, white right wingers. Blacks, hispanics and gays  convicted of any crimes are asked to “not do that anymore” and let free to be good boys and girls. Ms. Lerner could not be afforded that luxury, however, because she is a woman and, by Holder’s beliefs, all white women are evil and deserve a fate worse than death, no matter what party they affiliate with. Lois yelled out “I AM ON YOUR SIDE! I AM A SOCIALIST! HAVE PITY ON ME!” but the cries fell on deaf ears. The guards had their orders and that was that. Lerner would spend the next six months in lock-up, lefty or not.

When she was taken to her eight foot square cell and saw that there was only one bunk, she was happy that at least she wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of her crimes with a loud mouthed, tattooed woman. The faint smile on her quivering lips left in dramatic fashion when the cell door was opened a few minutes later.

“Yo mama! Aren’t you that woman what was on TV? Yeah! You’re that Lois Lane chick! Dang! I have hit the jackpot!” an elated man of two hundred muscular pounds chiseled on a six foot frame bellowed out.

“Lerner! Lois Lerner you bastard. What are you doing in my cell? I know you! You’re that Tea Party guy that cheated on his taxes in 2012. Thought that donating to an anti-abortion charity was tax deductible. Bastard! Get out of here!” she said standing nose to chin to Tony Anello who was doing twenty eight years for tax evasion after claiming his donation of $100 as deductible.

“Chicky, I ain’t going nowhere! It’s you, me and one bunk for as long as you’re in jail. It’s party time Ms. Lane!” Anello said as he was taking off his orange prison jumpsuit.

“LERNER! Obama damn you! I’m not spending another minute with you” Lois yelled as she walked over to the steel door then screamed out ” GUARD! GUARD! get me out! I’ll talk! I’ll tell you everything! Get Bill O’Reilly here! I’ll tell him everything. GUARD!!”

One hour later, Lois Lerner was taken out of the co-con cell and spilled her guts to an astonished Bill O’Reilly.

“Miss Lerner. You asked for this, what do you want to say? And remember, this is a No Spin zone. One lie and you go back to Tony Anello whom I hear can be quite voracious in a one bunk cell” O’Reilly said while spinning a pencil around and over two fingers.

“They made me do it! And now they put me in prison. Oh my Obama. Obama damn them!”

“Are you saying the POTUS put you up to targeting conservative groups that may or may not oppose the administration?”

“Not Obama! My Obama, how can you be so stupid O’Reilly?

“I notice that you insert ‘Obama’ where some folk would inject ‘God’. Are you of the opinion that Obama is Lord Almighty?”

“Opinion? You big nose, bald, pencil spinning idiot. It’s a fact!” Lois demanded.

“Then who put you up to it, as you claim Ms. Lane?” The pencil fell on the floor but O’Reilly didn’t pick it up.

“L-E-R-N-E-R. LERNER! Lois Lerner! Are all you Tea Partyers that effing dumb? My Obama. This is SO wrong. It was Hillary Clinton! Or Sir Hillary as you would say. Hillary made me do it! She said that I should audit every sonbitchin conservative. Get them all in jail! The racist GOP party will go away as fast as an Arkansas lawyer. That old carpet kissing bitch! She made me do it and I have proof. There’s an email in my private account, obamaislord@forward.com, that’s where you’ll find it. Look it up!”

The next day Bill O’Reilly and his crackpot team of investigators hacked into Ms. Lerner’s computer and did indeed find the incriminating email.

“Missy, as chief of the IRS you hold many powers that I envy. With the stroke of a key or two you and only you can put an end to the GOP. Sick your auditors on them. Do it Now! Tax evasion, false claims of charities, unpaid taxes, whatever! With your help, we’ll be the  Clinton-Lerner white house in 2016. How’s Vice President Lerner sound? Nice, don’t you think? I and you will rule the world! Woman Power!” It was signed H. Clinton, POTUS 2B.

The news of the email, however, was not reported anywhere other than on Fox News. ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and MSMBC refused to report the scandalous email. News directors at all five networks shoved the email copy under their desks filed under ‘DIRT’ for future use, if necessary.

Miss Lerner was escorted back to her cell with Tony Anello and so the party began.

Written by boofeeder

April 11, 2014 at 3:33 pm